Judging or not-judging...

For me MS made fundamental changes. I started caring more for myself, doing things proactively when I have a problem , instead of pitying myself, playing the victim ( as I I used to – I do accept it to myself now).

Now, MS puts me in all kinds of situations. As I overran the stage in which I was struggling to accept the fact that I have MS, I started living with MS. As fully as I am able to. Doing all the things I can, and choosing not to be frustrated about the ones I can’t do because simply  I’m not able to do.

As going to the gym. Exercising with weights, building up my muscles, which helps me on so many levels. Most of all, because I struggle to walk. Sometimes, I’m not sure that I would be able to walk at all if I wouldn’t keep on exercising. I feel good about it. And when it seems I’m putting so much effort into it, I comfort myself with the thought that everybody at the gym puts effort into it also. Starting with people that , maybe only a month before, were just couch & TV fans, to ladies that just go at the gym during the summer, in order to look good in their bathing suits. And that is fine! It is a step forward, even if done only for the summer. 

So yesterday, it stroke me. I was at the end of my routine, after 60 minutes of what I call “hard-work”, catching up my breath on the bench where I finished the arms workout. Something, probably, insignificant happened, but that for me woke up so many feelings and thoughts. A guy from the gym, that I didn’t know, threw me a phrase, that initially angered me, then made me sad, then made me smile.

 I’ll explain.

While I was ravished, after finishing the last series of the day, the guy (whom I didn’t know him, never saw him before at the gym), while passing my way, told me to 

speed up, that this is not a Monday morning anyway 

(it was Wednesday, so he was right…), on a tone that implied I’m one of the lazy ones. Of course, this might have been my own interpretation for the moment, in fact I’m sure it had nothing to do with him and what he said, but mostly to what I think (about myself, about my condition etc).

I didn’t say anything, just smiled, but I was feeling the anger getting to me. Ok, my cane was on the floor, so he wouldn’t have seen it. And all kinds of thoughts started wandering through my mind (“who does he thinks he is? I don’t remember hiring him as a private trainer!!”, “Do you go around judging people you don’t know as a day-job, checking their involvement at the gym?” and so many others, finishing with “I’m not sure you would even be here, in my condition!”). 

Then the anger transformed in sadness, thinking about how I could have done more, if I was healthy and MS-free.

But I shaken off all these thoughts, remembering that I already burned these stages, and that I came to accept Multiple Sclerosis in my life, even when people/ the world would challenge me. In the end, he had no way to know I have such a disease!

And this is the point! We can’t possibly know what is going on in people’s lives, in their minds and there souls. If we knew, maybe many behaviors would make sense to us. Even for him! Maybe he was bullied during high-school, so he grew up working out at the gym, to prove to the world nobody can ever bully him again. 

We tend to judge so easily, without knowing the facts. Multiple Sclerosis taught me not to judge, as I analyzed myself going through so many episodes, so many stages, that got me behaving perhaps very differently than normal . That,  in the end, made me who I am now.

Love, 

Florența

How I was a "Zen bride" :)

Saturday morning, July 22nd. We forced ourselves not to be nervous. Ionut ( my husband -now) is tossing and turning in bed, because he promissed himself he will be so relaxed, that he would wake up at 11AM. So he is trying to sleep more.

I wake up very early in the morning anyway, although I don't feel nervous... or emotional. Today I slept until 9AM. 

We realize that this seems to be one of the lazy weekends, when we have nothing to do... we drink our coffee for one hour... I do my yoga practice... until 11AM when I have an appointment to the hairdresser. When I get back, "the authority" (Ionut) agrees with the final result in my hair, so there's peace in the house :D. Only my wedding God Mother is getting her make up done (in Romania, when we get married, we choose a couple that will be our God Parent after the wedding. Once you get married, your God Parent become your spiritual parents, for the couple). 

I'm next for make up.

Later on, we are leaving to the church. In the meantime, the house got a bit more crowded, our friends came, both God Parents (it was pretty difficult for me to understand that we need to leave the house to church with so many people around us - I really had in mind that it will be just the two of us, but ok... apparently this is how it's done here :)) ). Anyway, it was strange that our friends came anyway at 2PM, dressed and all ready to go, when usually, 2PM is their wake up hour on Saturdays :))

photo credit Marian Nadu

The truth is that, once I did it once, it gets easier. Let me explain myself. At the civil ceremony, when I legally got married, I was expecting to be overwhelmed by my emotions, so then, I would walk more difficult, because this is what usually happens since my MS symptoms got worse. With that in mind, I've tried something: " What if... I would just enjoy, without feeling that my head will explode of enthusiasm?":)) So I saw that IT IS POSSIBLE. And that I felt ok for the rest of the day, even in the following  days, when I cool down. Because even if usually, I experienced relapse with MS after a stressful period, I noticed that it happened also too much ecstasy. Not as bad, however it happened. My conclusion was that I go to relapse whenever I live very strong emotions, positive or negative.

During my wedding day, I knew I will experience a heavy emotional charge. Just thinking of all the people I would see again, after a long time, that would come especially for us. Many traveling from foreign  countries, even from other continents! Per se, this feeling was overwhelming.

So I realized that I learned to enjoy things in a balanced manner :). To stay present, and keep my head in its place. Of course, I don't mean not to feel emotions. I laughted, I cried, and I stayed present.

photo credit: Marian Nadu

In the past years, I saw how organizing a wedding meant constant stress for one year before the party. I did my best so that it wouldn't be my case. I couldn't afford a prolonged stress. I wanted to be "functional" for the wedding, but also after that.

I think very important it was that Ionut was on the same page. For both of us, the purpose was no stress, and more than that, we really had fun in planning the wedding!

Even when it came to the bride's dance, although I do admit we had some struggles here! Good that everything stayed in between the walls of our living room, where we also made up! :D

                    rehearsal June 22nd in our living-room

Critical: planning and deadlines. Since we started planning the wedding I created an Excel file (long-live Excel!) with all our expenses, estimated and real, distributed by month. In the end we had a huge file, but we were in peace we wouldn't miss a thing.

 

More than this, we really acted as a team. Me - with "project management", deadlines etc (have not worked in a multinational company for so many years for nothing!) , him - going to places, talking to people, negotiating with the restaurant (it is his field, and this is what he loves doing)

In the end, we felt great planning the wedding, and also enjoyed the party. In Romania, we have something called "ciorba de potroace" - means kind of a party that takes place the following day, where the guests wake up from the hungover , and this is where the groom and the bride actually have fun (it is considered that the wedding party is more for the guests, not the groom and bride). I never attended to what they call "ciorba de potroace", not sure they do it nowadays, and I don't agree to this statement, that the part is not for groom/bride. We really had such a good time! Everything came out perfectly, just as we wanted to, and we are even happier that we did everything from scratch, not needing help from relatives etc.

And yes, it was the best wedding I've ever attended :D

Love,

Florenta

I had a dream

I had a dream.  

I was somewhere above, in a skyscraper, looking out the window. And I could see outside there was a guy (who I didn’t know), who was making fun of a dog. A female puppy. He wasn’t hurting her, however, I could feel somehow that the puppy felt humiliated. Then, I saw a friend of mine – who loves dogs so much – coming in and somehow saving the puppy. Next thing I know, the guy walked into the room, and I felt so much anger on him!
So I said to him: “ You are such an idiot!”.
 His reply?

“Really? And you are just invisible!”. 

And this is when I woke up.

Silly dream, right? Except that now, that I am studying psychology, I don’t just ignore dreams J).

Freud said that dreams are psychic events  , created as a compromise, satisfying two contradictory trends: one that is rational, conscious (usually connected to the need of sleeping), and the repressed desire. The theory says that dreams are a mean to satisfy in disguise the unconscious desire, so that the sleep is not interrupted.

Ok… and this really doesn’t help me at all figuring out what the hell is this dream about. Unless… if I were to think of any repressed desire connected to this dream, I would connect to what the guy told me: “Really? And you are just invisible”.

In Transactional Analysis, we start discussing about a dream from the client’s point of view. What the elements of the dream represent to the client, what the client felt in the dream, what is he/she feeling now as the dream is told again etc. So I started applying that to myself. What meaning do I make of being invisible.

And in fact, if I look back, and even in this period of my life, I just get panicked when I feel invisible. The emotion? I feel scared. Scared that I am not visible enough for people to see me. Of course, this is a very deep corner of myself, you wouldn’t see it, probably I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it wasn’t for this dream.  And my decision to go back to childhood, at what I felt growing up. There would be millions of things to say, of course, but we’re not here to discuss my kindergarten stories :)

Then what is the meaning of the dog  -puppy? In TA, all the elements are actually parts of self, and they tell your story. What would the puppy say? In my dream, it was a classic, gentle, sweet puppy, who didn’t really understand what was happening, she seemed to be smiling, just wanted to be loved (as any puppy!), but she somehow felt something was wrong, with the guy annoying her. She would still stay there, eager to get the acceptance.

And yes, I can relate to many situations I’ve felt like this. Vulnerable, insecure, not sure if people are accepting me for what I am.

What I take from this dream is that still a part of me is annoyed when I get invisible (or at the possibility of being invisible). Can you relate this in anyway with MS? They don’t call MS – the invisible disease for nothing.

For me, this started echoing when my symptoms were not invisible anymore. I could see them, I could feel  them.  Acceptance? The road towards acceptance was even harder because, after I decided to love and accept myself the way I am, people around me still made me feel invisible. Sometimes consciously not wanting to look my way (perhaps the image triggered something that would make them sad), my family trying to ignore the disease (“ you will be fine!..you just need…lemon! ) )and so on.

This dream reminded me that I don’t need to be invisible. That I’m not! That I decide weather I would walk on the street trying to cover myself, hoping that people won’t notice how strange it is for a 30 years old to walk …like this, or confident with my cane and a smile on my face, and perhaps a mini skirt! :)

Love,

Florenta

From economy to psychology - because, due to, and with MS

I think I got my profession all wrong!

I graduated Economic Studies in Romania. Not because I had a passion for economy, since childhood! (what normal child would have that??). More than that, when I entered this university, I didn't know much about economy, the most what I had learned during high-school, general concepts request - offer -market etc.

I studied well, let's say, during university. #geek. Actually, I never considered myself a geek. (no geek does, does he?:))

I was starting also to work since first year of univeristy, part time jobs and project-based etc. Usually, I would carry my notes with me and read them while waiting for the metro to come. But I was doing this really seriously, I was reading all the notes preparing for the exams, making sens of what I was reading. So I finished university without ever having to repeat an exam.Ever. (see? #geek)

The reason why I chose an economic profile for my studies was...pure economic. I don't think I ever thought about what I would like to do. Growing up, probably as many other children from Romania from my generation, I saw my folks struggling just to provide us the minimum it takes. So, the decision to continue after highschool in an university that was promising to provide a wide rage of jobs, came naturally. 

And I don't regret it. Luckily, economy, in combination with some foreign language, some logical thinking and flexibility, actually made a good start for my career.

Today though, I had a discussion with Ionut (my "fresh husband" :D we got married in March). Randomly, he mentioned something about Adam Smith and his invisible hand theory. Economy concept that I was familiar with, just because I graduated an economy profile university. But I never read specific articles, many times when it comes to important current events happening world wide level in economy, politics, Ionut is the guy you wanna ask! 

Because concerning economical issues, I'm never well informed, more than what it is obvious, and never have been.

This is when psychology came in. I don't just read psychology preparing for university exams. More than that, I can't wait the exam period to end, so that I could read all the books I ordered and that are waiting for me to read, one by one.

Economy and psychology are too distinct fields, very different, and I came to realise that psychology is what I am meant to do. And that economy has never been my passion, it only was for me a convenient choice. That, in the end, paved my way to psychology.

 Really impressive is that I came to this point because I have Multiple Sclerosis. Or due to? My first psychotherapy session, which I basically spent crying, always pops in my mind. With my psychotherapist not understanding much at that time, the crying came as a result to many suppressed frustrations.  Since than, two years past until my psychotherapist told me: "There is a new training group starting in Transactional Analysis.  Would''t you like to train?"

I think that for me, this is the proof that from suffering, many beautiful things can be created. I learned that life reinvents itelf continuously, and I just have to go with it. To let it happen. Accepting what it offers, what is happening, and don't just wait on the side, to see what happens next in my own life. I think anyone has the ability to reinvent itself. The past is only past, the future... I just let it come. No pressure. The way he wants it, with everything it has for me, health, joy, lessons, not so happy moments.

 

I started psychology university without having in mind a very clear objective, thinking that if this is really what I have to do, I will do it. I will find the time, the money, the strength to do it. Until graduation, I will do my best in everything I do, working, studying, and everything else I enjoy doing.

And most important, to enjoy what I do, what I learn, and life!:)

Love,

Florenta

Positive emotions in MS and wedding ceremony :)

I had few crazy weeks. Both beautiful and crazy:)

We got married. We had the city hall ceremony, about a week ago. It was beautiful, we had many friends with us that day, in fact surprisingly many! We had lots of fun and it was great for us.

Many of our friends expected me to start crazy laughing and making jokes when the registrar would ask me if I want to marry Ionut, and told me she can refuse to perform the marriage if we start joking, so I was very serious when I answered her!

It was very interesting for me to notice myself that day. Many times I thought I would be overwhelmed by emotions, and even if these would be positive emotions, I would feel that in my body, and start struggling to walk. So this time, I decided to enjoy myself, just be more balanced concerning my feelings, so that I am still able to walk (Ionut did carry me when we got out of the building, as there were few stairs, and everybody was cheering us, but this can also be considered romantic!)

Duet "I can't do it alone" - Chicago Soundrack

First time I realized that powerful emotions, even positive ones, can be disabilitating as well, was with my dancing crew,when I decided it would be the last time performing. Me and Domino Sistahz  

were performing at an event called Tribal Cafe , and I was supposed to dance a duet with my best friend, and other 2 group choreographies. Before the show, at the dressing room, my legs were trembling so bad, and I could barely drag my right leg.

It was never clear to me why I would have had so powerful emotions, it was just another show, I was very comfortable with the girls, with the choreos... I was able to dance the duet, and we had fun performing, but for the third dance I chose to stay out, as my absence there, as the choreo was built, wouldn't damage the dance.

So, despite what I thought before, and how it use to happen in earlier days, when I was sharing my positive emotions  in my dance, I realized that such powerful emotions, will only make me feel uncomfortable in my body.

lovely Domino Sistahz

This was one of the moments when I became aware that the answer for me is emotional balance, rather than stunning emotions, even if they are positive ones. And I know now that, even if all my life I loved to live intensely, I can live beautifully, just a balanced life, and still be very happy.

Love,

Florenta

Why #lifeisnotafight

When I started this blog, its name came natural. At first, I created  the blog hoping to reach other people facing similar issues (MS, Lyme, confusion, changes etc), and to avoid that others will feel alone, as I felt so many times. Maybe to find together some positive things that are happening in this chaos J

When I was diagnosed with Lyme, and I got to the Lyme Clinique in Germany, the doctors that I met there gave me a list of support websites, so that I knew “that I am not alone”. Full of hope, I was expecting to see there success stories, healing stories. Instead, after watching first two videos, I realized I only get depressed seeing the people, their diseases, in all their grandiosity, wheelchairs and so on.

Ok, it is real, but not something I wanted to see under antibiotics , when all my symptoms flared up, when I didn’t know if I would walk again.

So at that point, I decided to write my own success story. If on this whole Internet (at that point), I couldn’t find a story that would inspire me, I promised myself I would do it. That I would find in myself that last light of hope in the chaos of a progressive disease, and I will follow it, to see where it gets me.

From my diagnosis, in 2005,  when I didn’t ignored the disease, I fought with it. Every step I took while struggling, when I felt the lack of power in my leg, every effort to keep dancing when my legs didn’t help anymore, I thought this struggle would be what would make me a winner in this fight.

Nevertheless, the disease progressed, without considering my struggles, my ambitions. It progressed, in its own rhythm , slowly, constantly, until I started feeling that maybe, this is not my solution. Maybe there is something I’m not doing right.

And then I asked myself: “how about looking at it from another angle? What it would be like , instead of fighting someone, something that doesn’t exist (physically anyway, though I feel so present in my life anyway!), I would just make peace? I would just accept it as a part of my life?”

Helped by personal psychotherapy and reading a lot on my own, I started slowly changing things I once considered so much part of my life, part of me. I started thinking at things I do, of which I am very much attached, that aren’t even BAD things. And how would my life be if I changed them. If I just stopped doing them: to think in a certain way, things I did all my life…just because.

Maybe I was just taught to do them. Maybe they are not mine,

One example that comes to mind now is regarding my boyfriends J. My mom always said that I should find someone that would be very handy around the house, so that nothing would get broken, or at least would get fixed fast. I thought that ok… this is something I could change. It was never a bad think per se, and in theory, I agree that it would make life easier to have someone in the house to fix things (!!) , but is that enough? Is that something my happiness depends on? What would be like I just didn’t look for this, and instead, I would let things happen? ( I really am a lot happier now by just calling the mechanic when I need something fixing around the house! )

And so, step by step, I started making critical changes: changing perceptions, strong beliefs, that were not necessarily bad, were just not fit, and they interfered with my happiness.

Ok,I continued exercising but stopped dancing, continued living a healthy life, but with less self criticism and aggressivity towards myself, more relaxed and loving.

. 

Why do I think that a disease, life itself should not be considered a fight? Because I saw can never win this fight. Life and MS showed me that it can get worse in any moment.

Short while after my first symptoms, my dad died. Then, my high school friends just left my side. Suddenly , my mom got sick. In the meanwhile, MS was progressing . Things were getting worse. It can always get worse. We can hope, stay  positive, and when I saw that was just not enough…? Clearly, what I was doing, for me, it wasn’t working.

This approach of fight, of struggling, was not helping anymore. The moment I started doing these critical changes, switching from “the forever warrior” to a more spiritual person, who just decided to make peace with life and to accept these changes and the implicit lessons that MS gave, was the moment I started relaxing,

This doesn’t mean I found the magic MS cure, it doesn’t mean I didn’t go trough other hard moments. Only now it seemed easier. I am more relaxed, more careful with my body and my soul. In the same time, I learned how to be grateful for every good, and not so good thing that is happening, to find the positive side in almost everything, even in the darkest periods.

Since I embraced what is happening, other kind of people came in my life, new doors opened, new opportunities and knowledge.

This is how I deal with this. For others, the idea of fighter/fight, is working, and this is ok.

Me? I found other approach, and for me #lifeisnotafight is working.

Love,

Florenta