I remember my first Transactional Analysis worksop, TA 101. During an exercise, we had to imagine our mother, and then our father entering the classroom. And what would they say about what we are doing in the workshop and about us being there.
Trough this exercise, as I previously learned, the therapist can understand what were the parents' messages the client received, and more important, how the client made sense out of these.
Connecting what is happening in the client's life currently, the psychotherapist can understand these injunctions and get an image of the client's life script.
The presence or the absence of the parents, the way they are transmitting the messages to their children (most of the time, out of awareness) are the key elements the child will take in - in his life script and in the decisions he will take as an adult.
Connecting what is happening in the client's life currently, the psychotherapist can understand these injunctions and get an image of the client's life script.
I felt confused when I had to talk about my father. At the moment of this workshop, both my parents had died, and my mother pretty recently. So anyway, I tried not to talk about her too much, because I knew that I would start crying and how I got to be aware later, in my family crying was forbidden. Me, as a good, adapted child, I would always suppress any feeling that would take me in that embarrassing, awkward situation - crying in public.
I got stuck though, when I realised I had no idea what would my father say about me attending a psychology workshop. I finally imagined that he would have said: "Good for you, darling, but I don't know much about these things. I'm just an engineer."
Than I thought that even if I lived with my father for sixteen years, until my parents split up, and after that I would meet him anyway at least once a week, I didn't know my father. I panicked, got scared, I accepted this.
And now, three years after that workshop, after personal therapy and three years in TA training, I realise there are actually so many things in me, in my behavior from my dad.
I was saying that in my family crying was forbidden (on a psychological level, as my mom would do anything not to see me cry). My mom would never cry. I only saw her tears three times in my life. Most painful was the last time I visited her in the hospital, before she died. She wasn't even conscious than, but she had tears under her closed eyes.
My dad though, seemed much more endearing. Every time he would see me, there were tears in his eyes, while smiling as he was happy to see me. And now this is the only explanation I can find for my behavior, when I start crying for no reason, sometimes when people around me are not even impressed :)) (for example yesterday I cried my heart out watching a documentary on Steven Spielberg's movies!).
I got stuck though, when I realised I had no idea what would my father say about me attending a psychology workshop. I finally imagined that he would have said: "Good for you, darling, but I don't know much about these things. I'm just an engineer."
Than I thought that even if I lived with my father for sixteen years, until my parents split up, and after that I would meet him anyway at least once a week, I didn't know my father. I panicked, got scared, I accepted this.
And now, three years after that workshop, after personal therapy and three years in TA training, I realise there are actually so many things in me, in my behavior from my dad.
I was saying that in my family crying was forbidden (on a psychological level, as my mom would do anything not to see me cry). My mom would never cry. I only saw her tears three times in my life. Most painful was the last time I visited her in the hospital, before she died. She wasn't even conscious than, but she had tears under her closed eyes.
My dad though, seemed much more endearing. Every time he would see me, there were tears in his eyes, while smiling as he was happy to see me. And now this is the only explanation I can find for my behavior, when I start crying for no reason, sometimes when people around me are not even impressed :)) (for example yesterday I cried my heart out watching a documentary on Steven Spielberg's movies!).
The fact that my father thought he was just an engineer. or this is how I translated his general attitude, was transmitted to me in my own way of looking at myself, in the way I discounted any success or even myself: "I graduated from University" - "So what, anyway I need to finish my Masters degree now" (which I did, and happiness didn't last as I found a new reason to "work for". Anyway, at a psychological level, I was telling myself it's really not a big deal what I did, I wasn't enjoying my success, and that anybody can do it!). When thinking that it's pretty cool I have a healthy lifestyle, that I go to the gym and don't get lazy, I would immediately block any consideration towards myself - "So what? I have MS anyway, look at me, I walk so badly anyway!".
In therapy, I got to be aware that I was discounting myself on such a level, that I used to be dismissive with anyone who would say something nice about me: "You look so pretty in this dress!" -"Yeah right, I'm as pretty as the Russian language can be haha".
In the last workshop I attended, the final one for the third year of TA, we had an exercise in small groups of threes or fours, and in the end we would each give and get feedback from our colleagues about our evolution in the group etc. A colleague really got me thinking, when she said "Florenta doesn't need feedback, anyway!". ??!!. I was so shocked I couldn't even reply to this, I just laughed, but back home I thought about this. Because the way people are reacting to us is the way we are inviting them to do it. In the past, I know I was reluctant to any kind of feedback, positive or negative. Although now, on the contrary, I want feedback and every time I get it I feel privileged, maybe I don't know how to show this, or how to ask for them. Finally, I just get frustrated I don't get them, which will reinforce my life script, that I'm invisible.
In the last workshop I attended, the final one for the third year of TA, we had an exercise in small groups of threes or fours, and in the end we would each give and get feedback from our colleagues about our evolution in the group etc. A colleague really got me thinking, when she said "Florenta doesn't need feedback, anyway!". ??!!. I was so shocked I couldn't even reply to this, I just laughed, but back home I thought about this. Because the way people are reacting to us is the way we are inviting them to do it. In the past, I know I was reluctant to any kind of feedback, positive or negative. Although now, on the contrary, I want feedback and every time I get it I feel privileged, maybe I don't know how to show this, or how to ask for them. Finally, I just get frustrated I don't get them, which will reinforce my life script, that I'm invisible.
The presence or the absence of the parents, the way they are transmitting the messages to their children (most of the time, out of awareness) are the key elements the child will take in - in his life script and in the decisions he will take as an adult.
For me it's actually a relief to be aware of all the things I got from my dad. When I thought I didn't have anything left from him...all these things were in my out of awareness. Perhaps suppressed, not yet accepted. And when I don't accept parts of myself, I can't manage them. Bringing them "to light" may be painful, but I always prefer to go trough a limited tougher period, than to carry the burden all my life, even pass it on to children.
My personal conclusion, which brings me joy every time I discover things about myself, is that after three years of TA training, I am still learning a lot about myself and the world.
And when my clients feel this during our psychotherapy, I feel so privileged!
Wishing you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Love,
Florenta
Florenta
