About Christmas, TA and Dad

I remember my first Transactional Analysis worksop, TA 101. During an exercise, we had to imagine our mother, and then our father entering the classroom. And what would they say about what we are doing in the workshop and about us being there.

Trough this exercise, as I previously learned, the therapist can understand what were the parents' messages the client received, and more important, how the client made sense out of these.
Connecting what is happening in the client's  life currently, the psychotherapist can understand these injunctions and get an image of the client's life script.

I felt confused when I had to talk about my father. At the moment of this workshop, both my parents had died, and my mother pretty recently. So anyway, I tried not to talk about her too much, because I knew that I would start crying and how I got to be aware later, in my family crying was forbidden. Me, as a good, adapted child, I would always suppress any feeling that would take me in that embarrassing, awkward situation - crying in public.
 
I got stuck though, when I realised I had no idea what would my father say about me attending a psychology workshop. I finally imagined that he would have said: "Good for you, darling, but I don't know much about these things. I'm just an engineer."
Than I thought that even if I lived with my father for sixteen years, until my parents split up, and after that I would meet him anyway at least once a week, I didn't know my father. I panicked, got scared, I accepted this.
And now, three years after that workshop, after personal therapy and three years in TA training, I realise there are actually so many things in me, in my behavior from my dad.

I was saying that in my family crying was forbidden (on a psychological level, as my mom would do anything not to see me cry). My mom would never cry. I only saw her tears three times in my life. Most painful was the last time I visited her in the hospital, before she died. She wasn't even conscious than, but she had tears under her closed eyes.

My dad though, seemed much more endearing. Every time he would see me, there were tears in his eyes, while smiling as he was happy to see me. And now this is the only explanation I can find for my behavior, when I start crying for no reason, sometimes when people around me are not even impressed :)) (for example yesterday I cried my heart out watching a documentary on Steven Spielberg's movies!).

The fact that my father thought he was just an engineer. or this is how I translated his general attitude, was transmitted to me in my own way of looking at myself, in the way I discounted any success or even myself: "I graduated from University" - "So what, anyway I need to finish my Masters degree now" (which I did, and happiness didn't last as I found a new reason to "work for". Anyway, at a psychological level, I was telling myself it's really not a big deal what I did, I wasn't enjoying my success, and that anybody can do it!). When thinking that it's pretty cool I have a healthy lifestyle, that I go to the gym and don't get lazy, I would immediately block any consideration towards myself - "So what? I have MS anyway, look at me, I walk so badly anyway!". 

In therapy, I got to be aware that I was discounting myself on such a level, that I used to be dismissive with anyone who would say something nice about me: "You look so pretty in this dress!" -"Yeah right, I'm as pretty as the Russian language can be haha".

In the last workshop I attended, the final one for the third year of TA, we had an exercise in small groups of threes or fours, and in the end we would each give and get feedback from our colleagues about our evolution in the group etc. A colleague really got me thinking, when she said "Florenta doesn't need feedback, anyway!". ??!!. I was so shocked I couldn't even reply to this, I just laughed, but back home I thought about this.  Because the way people are reacting to us is the way we are inviting them to do it. In the past, I know I was reluctant to any kind of feedback, positive or negative. Although now, on the contrary, I want feedback and every time I get it I feel privileged, maybe I don't know how to show this, or how to ask for them. Finally, I just get frustrated I don't get them, which will reinforce my life script, that I'm invisible.

The presence or the absence of the parents, the way they are transmitting the messages to their children (most of the time, out of awareness) are the key elements the child will take in - in his life script and in the decisions he will take as an adult.

For me it's actually a relief to be aware of all the things I got from my dad. When I thought I didn't have anything left from him...all these things were in my out of awareness. Perhaps suppressed, not yet accepted. And when I don't accept parts of myself, I can't manage them. Bringing them "to light" may be painful, but I always prefer to go trough a limited tougher period, than to carry the burden all my life, even pass it on to children.

My personal conclusion, which brings me joy every time I discover things about myself, is that after three years of TA training, I am still learning a lot about myself and the world.

And when my clients feel this during our psychotherapy, I feel so privileged!

Wishing you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,
Florenta

Just normal

My best friend from childhood is a ballerina at Birmingham Hippodrome.

                          Daria

This weekend was planned to go and visit Daria in Birmingham, to see her perform in The Nutcracker.

Unfortunately, few days earlier, Daria got injured and was not able to perform on Saturday evening, but I'm happy we had is snowing , what is that? - Confetti. - And don't you slip? -Yes...but usually after that scene we mostly run around, and after that, the curtin falls and they sweep").
more time to spend together :X. And because she sat next to me during the show, I had the chance to ask her all the curiosities I had regarding this show, and also the "backstage info" .And gossip :)) (things like "in the set when
Of course people around us were starting shsh-ing us, and every time I had the impulse to say "It's fine, she is a ballerina here!" :))). She was trying to tell me that this doesn't mean she owns the theater. But it was funny anyway!

Birmingham Hippodrome , interior

The first thing I noticed after the show ended, was HOW MANY PEOPLE WITH DISABILITY ATTENDED THE SHOW!! I knew that outside Romania this is completely different, but I couldn't help my pleasant surprise that they actually go out and enjoy themselves! And not just to the nearest shop to buy bread! They actually have a happy, fulfilled life, they travel, go see ballet shows, attend concerts.
We had to wait quite a while to be able to get into the elevator: people in wheelchairs, canes and smiles on their faces, were using the elevator. Stylish ladies, in shiny black dresses and elegant hats, gentlemen with canes and ties, even loud youngsters with wheel chairs, accompanied by friends.

It felt so good just being there.

I though about things which are different in Romania vs other European countries. I realised (as I have initially intuited), that the big difference is mostly in the inner way we look at things:

•  I will naturally start by analyzing infrastructure. At the Birmingham Hippodrome where we've been, there were ramps everywhere, elevators, adapted toilets. Anyone would give priority to a person who uses a wheel chair, cane, pre-walker. The designed parking places for disability persons are never occupied by other cars and most important, no one would stare at a young person with a cane. Everything is...just normal. In comparison, at the University in Bucharest where I now study Psychology, University Titu Maiorescu, there just isn't an elevator. For classes and exams I've always climbed the stairs. The parking places for disability (five of them I think), are always empty. And not because people really respect people with disability, but because nobody has the key from the chains that surrounds those parking places. Usually, there is no doorman there anyway, but when I sometimes find anyone there, tells me " Sorry, miss, I don't have the key, but here...park here" (somewhere else, so not just near the entrance). I am planning to make a complaint at the university, as this is my last year, so at least something would get changed, hopefully...

Our infrastructure issue is really annoying  most of the times. As I'm struggling to walk anyway, I always need to plan my route and the best option to take so that I avoid stairs, where to park, whom I can meet to help me if I need to climb stairs etc. Although luckily I still can climb stairs, it does make me anxious.

Despite all these, let's see what WE could do:

• At least from what I noticed - but my English boss, who lives in London, also confirmed, nobody who has a disability doesn't feel ashamed for being sick, doesn't feel that the people around need to do something special for her, doesn't accuse herself for leaving the house and other people see her. Again, everything is just normal, things are happening as they need to happen.

I feel that everything I do, I hit the mentality of so many previous generations in Romania. I also felt the embarrassment for being sick, during long years preferring to keep the diagnostic and symptoms to myself. I felt so ashamed when noticing that my symptoms are worsening and I start limping with my left leg. Even more drama when work colleagues, neighbors, even people passing by were asking me what's wrong, why am I walking like that. Although my answers were always evasive, polite and with a smile on my face "I'm gonna be fine, it will pass!", those people almost instantly were becoming my enemies, people who, in my fantasy, were laughing behind my back.

Once I started personal psychotherapy, started reality checking process and realised that usually people have their own dramas and even if they get surprised for a moment, five minutes later they will forget about me. Even though in Romania people tend to stare... :)). Ideally, nobody will be bothered at all that I use a cane. If they do, it's their choice, their problem, and I'm just not responsible for that.

• When in need, people ask for help. Once again, there is nothing shameful to need some help to climb a stair. When thinking about it, most people that have a disability in Romania (the ones I talked to), know that. More than that, we are the firsts to offer our help to anybody, even to people that have no physical problem (Ionut -my husband, always argues with me when I hold the elevator door in our building for other people, as the ex-communist buildings don't have automatic doors!). I guess it's our nature, and maybe even a statement that says "Look! I can do it by myself, I'm really not disabled!" -though I obviously walk with a cane :)). At least part of the Roumanian people has the obsession not to disturb other people, as we imagine they will be bothered for doing something for us

Since I started studying Trasactional Analysis , whenever in doubt in a situation, I use Berne 's principle , OK-OK. Long story short, this principle states that each of us is ok, or is able to be. If sometimes we encounter issues, we have the inner ability to solve the problem, we can reason and make decisions (there are exceptions of course, as people with different psychic disorders, but even they can lead a fulfilled life).
In my example with the stair, I consider it is OK for me to ask for help when I need to climb a stair, that doesn't make me less independent or less valuable. Then, in that moment, I needed help.
In the same time, the person I've asked for help is OK. She has the ability to reason, to make a decision if to help me or not, depending on her mood, feelings etc. There is no need for me to feel awkward asking for help, to think my request will bother, as long that person acknowledges her feelings and can reason. As an adult, she can say NO, and that is fine.

Every time I cross the borders from Romania, I notice how things should be here. And if, at a national level, the benefit system for disabled people is far from perfect, so it is our own internal system, as disabled people, meaning the way with deal with everyday challenges. The difference is that we are able to improve our perspectives starting TODAY, not having to wait for things we can't control, to change. We can change our own mentality, the way we think and do things.
We can choose to be happy, us with ourselves, the way we are.

Even if we only were in Birmingham one day, arriving on Saturday morning until Sunday evening, we all felt it was such an intense weekend!
After the ballet show, we went for dinner in a very nice restaurant in Birmingham.

copyright www.sabaisabai.com

Only me, Daria and Katie (my boss from London, who has met Daria at my wedding, back in July) attended the Nutcracker show. For dinner we met our partners (as guys usually reject the idea to go see a classical ballet :) ), Katie's lovely daughter and her boyfriend.

After dinner, we had the famous English tea at Katie's parents house, a couple retired for a while now, and we fell in love with them immediately. In their eighties, they attend all the  Birmingham ballet shows (they had seen all of Daria's shows, even though they didn't know each other). This, when they are not traveling (everywhere in the world!). I was so impressed by their spirit, and their genuine curiosity regarding Romania, the education system, politics, what we do and how we are able to learn so many languages (Anyway, Daria speaks 7 foreign languages, which is a lot even for us!).

Katie's parents showed us, again, once over sixty years old, life doesn't have to mean only cooking or going out for bread, as we tend to see in Romania.

We got back to Bucharest after a weekend in Birmingham as from a vacation that taught us so much! I feel grateful for this opportunity to see once again, that life doesn't need to be taken so seriously!

Love,

Florența