I had a dream

I had a dream.  

I was somewhere above, in a skyscraper, looking out the window. And I could see outside there was a guy (who I didn’t know), who was making fun of a dog. A female puppy. He wasn’t hurting her, however, I could feel somehow that the puppy felt humiliated. Then, I saw a friend of mine – who loves dogs so much – coming in and somehow saving the puppy. Next thing I know, the guy walked into the room, and I felt so much anger on him!
So I said to him: “ You are such an idiot!”.
 His reply?

“Really? And you are just invisible!”. 

And this is when I woke up.

Silly dream, right? Except that now, that I am studying psychology, I don’t just ignore dreams J).

Freud said that dreams are psychic events  , created as a compromise, satisfying two contradictory trends: one that is rational, conscious (usually connected to the need of sleeping), and the repressed desire. The theory says that dreams are a mean to satisfy in disguise the unconscious desire, so that the sleep is not interrupted.

Ok… and this really doesn’t help me at all figuring out what the hell is this dream about. Unless… if I were to think of any repressed desire connected to this dream, I would connect to what the guy told me: “Really? And you are just invisible”.

In Transactional Analysis, we start discussing about a dream from the client’s point of view. What the elements of the dream represent to the client, what the client felt in the dream, what is he/she feeling now as the dream is told again etc. So I started applying that to myself. What meaning do I make of being invisible.

And in fact, if I look back, and even in this period of my life, I just get panicked when I feel invisible. The emotion? I feel scared. Scared that I am not visible enough for people to see me. Of course, this is a very deep corner of myself, you wouldn’t see it, probably I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it wasn’t for this dream.  And my decision to go back to childhood, at what I felt growing up. There would be millions of things to say, of course, but we’re not here to discuss my kindergarten stories :)

Then what is the meaning of the dog  -puppy? In TA, all the elements are actually parts of self, and they tell your story. What would the puppy say? In my dream, it was a classic, gentle, sweet puppy, who didn’t really understand what was happening, she seemed to be smiling, just wanted to be loved (as any puppy!), but she somehow felt something was wrong, with the guy annoying her. She would still stay there, eager to get the acceptance.

And yes, I can relate to many situations I’ve felt like this. Vulnerable, insecure, not sure if people are accepting me for what I am.

What I take from this dream is that still a part of me is annoyed when I get invisible (or at the possibility of being invisible). Can you relate this in anyway with MS? They don’t call MS – the invisible disease for nothing.

For me, this started echoing when my symptoms were not invisible anymore. I could see them, I could feel  them.  Acceptance? The road towards acceptance was even harder because, after I decided to love and accept myself the way I am, people around me still made me feel invisible. Sometimes consciously not wanting to look my way (perhaps the image triggered something that would make them sad), my family trying to ignore the disease (“ you will be fine!..you just need…lemon! ) )and so on.

This dream reminded me that I don’t need to be invisible. That I’m not! That I decide weather I would walk on the street trying to cover myself, hoping that people won’t notice how strange it is for a 30 years old to walk …like this, or confident with my cane and a smile on my face, and perhaps a mini skirt! :)

Love,

Florenta

From economy to psychology - because, due to, and with MS

I think I got my profession all wrong!

I graduated Economic Studies in Romania. Not because I had a passion for economy, since childhood! (what normal child would have that??). More than that, when I entered this university, I didn't know much about economy, the most what I had learned during high-school, general concepts request - offer -market etc.

I studied well, let's say, during university. #geek. Actually, I never considered myself a geek. (no geek does, does he?:))

I was starting also to work since first year of univeristy, part time jobs and project-based etc. Usually, I would carry my notes with me and read them while waiting for the metro to come. But I was doing this really seriously, I was reading all the notes preparing for the exams, making sens of what I was reading. So I finished university without ever having to repeat an exam.Ever. (see? #geek)

The reason why I chose an economic profile for my studies was...pure economic. I don't think I ever thought about what I would like to do. Growing up, probably as many other children from Romania from my generation, I saw my folks struggling just to provide us the minimum it takes. So, the decision to continue after highschool in an university that was promising to provide a wide rage of jobs, came naturally. 

And I don't regret it. Luckily, economy, in combination with some foreign language, some logical thinking and flexibility, actually made a good start for my career.

Today though, I had a discussion with Ionut (my "fresh husband" :D we got married in March). Randomly, he mentioned something about Adam Smith and his invisible hand theory. Economy concept that I was familiar with, just because I graduated an economy profile university. But I never read specific articles, many times when it comes to important current events happening world wide level in economy, politics, Ionut is the guy you wanna ask! 

Because concerning economical issues, I'm never well informed, more than what it is obvious, and never have been.

This is when psychology came in. I don't just read psychology preparing for university exams. More than that, I can't wait the exam period to end, so that I could read all the books I ordered and that are waiting for me to read, one by one.

Economy and psychology are too distinct fields, very different, and I came to realise that psychology is what I am meant to do. And that economy has never been my passion, it only was for me a convenient choice. That, in the end, paved my way to psychology.

 Really impressive is that I came to this point because I have Multiple Sclerosis. Or due to? My first psychotherapy session, which I basically spent crying, always pops in my mind. With my psychotherapist not understanding much at that time, the crying came as a result to many suppressed frustrations.  Since than, two years past until my psychotherapist told me: "There is a new training group starting in Transactional Analysis.  Would''t you like to train?"

I think that for me, this is the proof that from suffering, many beautiful things can be created. I learned that life reinvents itelf continuously, and I just have to go with it. To let it happen. Accepting what it offers, what is happening, and don't just wait on the side, to see what happens next in my own life. I think anyone has the ability to reinvent itself. The past is only past, the future... I just let it come. No pressure. The way he wants it, with everything it has for me, health, joy, lessons, not so happy moments.

 

I started psychology university without having in mind a very clear objective, thinking that if this is really what I have to do, I will do it. I will find the time, the money, the strength to do it. Until graduation, I will do my best in everything I do, working, studying, and everything else I enjoy doing.

And most important, to enjoy what I do, what I learn, and life!:)

Love,

Florenta

Positive emotions in MS and wedding ceremony :)

I had few crazy weeks. Both beautiful and crazy:)

We got married. We had the city hall ceremony, about a week ago. It was beautiful, we had many friends with us that day, in fact surprisingly many! We had lots of fun and it was great for us.

Many of our friends expected me to start crazy laughing and making jokes when the registrar would ask me if I want to marry Ionut, and told me she can refuse to perform the marriage if we start joking, so I was very serious when I answered her!

It was very interesting for me to notice myself that day. Many times I thought I would be overwhelmed by emotions, and even if these would be positive emotions, I would feel that in my body, and start struggling to walk. So this time, I decided to enjoy myself, just be more balanced concerning my feelings, so that I am still able to walk (Ionut did carry me when we got out of the building, as there were few stairs, and everybody was cheering us, but this can also be considered romantic!)

Duet "I can't do it alone" - Chicago Soundrack

First time I realized that powerful emotions, even positive ones, can be disabilitating as well, was with my dancing crew,when I decided it would be the last time performing. Me and Domino Sistahz  

were performing at an event called Tribal Cafe , and I was supposed to dance a duet with my best friend, and other 2 group choreographies. Before the show, at the dressing room, my legs were trembling so bad, and I could barely drag my right leg.

It was never clear to me why I would have had so powerful emotions, it was just another show, I was very comfortable with the girls, with the choreos... I was able to dance the duet, and we had fun performing, but for the third dance I chose to stay out, as my absence there, as the choreo was built, wouldn't damage the dance.

So, despite what I thought before, and how it use to happen in earlier days, when I was sharing my positive emotions  in my dance, I realized that such powerful emotions, will only make me feel uncomfortable in my body.

lovely Domino Sistahz

This was one of the moments when I became aware that the answer for me is emotional balance, rather than stunning emotions, even if they are positive ones. And I know now that, even if all my life I loved to live intensely, I can live beautifully, just a balanced life, and still be very happy.

Love,

Florenta

Why #lifeisnotafight

When I started this blog, its name came natural. At first, I created  the blog hoping to reach other people facing similar issues (MS, Lyme, confusion, changes etc), and to avoid that others will feel alone, as I felt so many times. Maybe to find together some positive things that are happening in this chaos J

When I was diagnosed with Lyme, and I got to the Lyme Clinique in Germany, the doctors that I met there gave me a list of support websites, so that I knew “that I am not alone”. Full of hope, I was expecting to see there success stories, healing stories. Instead, after watching first two videos, I realized I only get depressed seeing the people, their diseases, in all their grandiosity, wheelchairs and so on.

Ok, it is real, but not something I wanted to see under antibiotics , when all my symptoms flared up, when I didn’t know if I would walk again.

So at that point, I decided to write my own success story. If on this whole Internet (at that point), I couldn’t find a story that would inspire me, I promised myself I would do it. That I would find in myself that last light of hope in the chaos of a progressive disease, and I will follow it, to see where it gets me.

From my diagnosis, in 2005,  when I didn’t ignored the disease, I fought with it. Every step I took while struggling, when I felt the lack of power in my leg, every effort to keep dancing when my legs didn’t help anymore, I thought this struggle would be what would make me a winner in this fight.

Nevertheless, the disease progressed, without considering my struggles, my ambitions. It progressed, in its own rhythm , slowly, constantly, until I started feeling that maybe, this is not my solution. Maybe there is something I’m not doing right.

And then I asked myself: “how about looking at it from another angle? What it would be like , instead of fighting someone, something that doesn’t exist (physically anyway, though I feel so present in my life anyway!), I would just make peace? I would just accept it as a part of my life?”

Helped by personal psychotherapy and reading a lot on my own, I started slowly changing things I once considered so much part of my life, part of me. I started thinking at things I do, of which I am very much attached, that aren’t even BAD things. And how would my life be if I changed them. If I just stopped doing them: to think in a certain way, things I did all my life…just because.

Maybe I was just taught to do them. Maybe they are not mine,

One example that comes to mind now is regarding my boyfriends J. My mom always said that I should find someone that would be very handy around the house, so that nothing would get broken, or at least would get fixed fast. I thought that ok… this is something I could change. It was never a bad think per se, and in theory, I agree that it would make life easier to have someone in the house to fix things (!!) , but is that enough? Is that something my happiness depends on? What would be like I just didn’t look for this, and instead, I would let things happen? ( I really am a lot happier now by just calling the mechanic when I need something fixing around the house! )

And so, step by step, I started making critical changes: changing perceptions, strong beliefs, that were not necessarily bad, were just not fit, and they interfered with my happiness.

Ok,I continued exercising but stopped dancing, continued living a healthy life, but with less self criticism and aggressivity towards myself, more relaxed and loving.

. 

Why do I think that a disease, life itself should not be considered a fight? Because I saw can never win this fight. Life and MS showed me that it can get worse in any moment.

Short while after my first symptoms, my dad died. Then, my high school friends just left my side. Suddenly , my mom got sick. In the meanwhile, MS was progressing . Things were getting worse. It can always get worse. We can hope, stay  positive, and when I saw that was just not enough…? Clearly, what I was doing, for me, it wasn’t working.

This approach of fight, of struggling, was not helping anymore. The moment I started doing these critical changes, switching from “the forever warrior” to a more spiritual person, who just decided to make peace with life and to accept these changes and the implicit lessons that MS gave, was the moment I started relaxing,

This doesn’t mean I found the magic MS cure, it doesn’t mean I didn’t go trough other hard moments. Only now it seemed easier. I am more relaxed, more careful with my body and my soul. In the same time, I learned how to be grateful for every good, and not so good thing that is happening, to find the positive side in almost everything, even in the darkest periods.

Since I embraced what is happening, other kind of people came in my life, new doors opened, new opportunities and knowledge.

This is how I deal with this. For others, the idea of fighter/fight, is working, and this is ok.

Me? I found other approach, and for me #lifeisnotafight is working.

Love,

Florenta