I had a dream

I had a dream.  

I was somewhere above, in a skyscraper, looking out the window. And I could see outside there was a guy (who I didn’t know), who was making fun of a dog. A female puppy. He wasn’t hurting her, however, I could feel somehow that the puppy felt humiliated. Then, I saw a friend of mine – who loves dogs so much – coming in and somehow saving the puppy. Next thing I know, the guy walked into the room, and I felt so much anger on him!
So I said to him: “ You are such an idiot!”.
 His reply?

“Really? And you are just invisible!”. 

And this is when I woke up.

Silly dream, right? Except that now, that I am studying psychology, I don’t just ignore dreams J).

Freud said that dreams are psychic events  , created as a compromise, satisfying two contradictory trends: one that is rational, conscious (usually connected to the need of sleeping), and the repressed desire. The theory says that dreams are a mean to satisfy in disguise the unconscious desire, so that the sleep is not interrupted.

Ok… and this really doesn’t help me at all figuring out what the hell is this dream about. Unless… if I were to think of any repressed desire connected to this dream, I would connect to what the guy told me: “Really? And you are just invisible”.

In Transactional Analysis, we start discussing about a dream from the client’s point of view. What the elements of the dream represent to the client, what the client felt in the dream, what is he/she feeling now as the dream is told again etc. So I started applying that to myself. What meaning do I make of being invisible.

And in fact, if I look back, and even in this period of my life, I just get panicked when I feel invisible. The emotion? I feel scared. Scared that I am not visible enough for people to see me. Of course, this is a very deep corner of myself, you wouldn’t see it, probably I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it wasn’t for this dream.  And my decision to go back to childhood, at what I felt growing up. There would be millions of things to say, of course, but we’re not here to discuss my kindergarten stories :)

Then what is the meaning of the dog  -puppy? In TA, all the elements are actually parts of self, and they tell your story. What would the puppy say? In my dream, it was a classic, gentle, sweet puppy, who didn’t really understand what was happening, she seemed to be smiling, just wanted to be loved (as any puppy!), but she somehow felt something was wrong, with the guy annoying her. She would still stay there, eager to get the acceptance.

And yes, I can relate to many situations I’ve felt like this. Vulnerable, insecure, not sure if people are accepting me for what I am.

What I take from this dream is that still a part of me is annoyed when I get invisible (or at the possibility of being invisible). Can you relate this in anyway with MS? They don’t call MS – the invisible disease for nothing.

For me, this started echoing when my symptoms were not invisible anymore. I could see them, I could feel  them.  Acceptance? The road towards acceptance was even harder because, after I decided to love and accept myself the way I am, people around me still made me feel invisible. Sometimes consciously not wanting to look my way (perhaps the image triggered something that would make them sad), my family trying to ignore the disease (“ you will be fine!..you just need…lemon! ) )and so on.

This dream reminded me that I don’t need to be invisible. That I’m not! That I decide weather I would walk on the street trying to cover myself, hoping that people won’t notice how strange it is for a 30 years old to walk …like this, or confident with my cane and a smile on my face, and perhaps a mini skirt! :)

Love,

Florenta

From economy to psychology - because, due to, and with MS

I think I got my profession all wrong!

I graduated Economic Studies in Romania. Not because I had a passion for economy, since childhood! (what normal child would have that??). More than that, when I entered this university, I didn't know much about economy, the most what I had learned during high-school, general concepts request - offer -market etc.

I studied well, let's say, during university. #geek. Actually, I never considered myself a geek. (no geek does, does he?:))

I was starting also to work since first year of univeristy, part time jobs and project-based etc. Usually, I would carry my notes with me and read them while waiting for the metro to come. But I was doing this really seriously, I was reading all the notes preparing for the exams, making sens of what I was reading. So I finished university without ever having to repeat an exam.Ever. (see? #geek)

The reason why I chose an economic profile for my studies was...pure economic. I don't think I ever thought about what I would like to do. Growing up, probably as many other children from Romania from my generation, I saw my folks struggling just to provide us the minimum it takes. So, the decision to continue after highschool in an university that was promising to provide a wide rage of jobs, came naturally. 

And I don't regret it. Luckily, economy, in combination with some foreign language, some logical thinking and flexibility, actually made a good start for my career.

Today though, I had a discussion with Ionut (my "fresh husband" :D we got married in March). Randomly, he mentioned something about Adam Smith and his invisible hand theory. Economy concept that I was familiar with, just because I graduated an economy profile university. But I never read specific articles, many times when it comes to important current events happening world wide level in economy, politics, Ionut is the guy you wanna ask! 

Because concerning economical issues, I'm never well informed, more than what it is obvious, and never have been.

This is when psychology came in. I don't just read psychology preparing for university exams. More than that, I can't wait the exam period to end, so that I could read all the books I ordered and that are waiting for me to read, one by one.

Economy and psychology are too distinct fields, very different, and I came to realise that psychology is what I am meant to do. And that economy has never been my passion, it only was for me a convenient choice. That, in the end, paved my way to psychology.

 Really impressive is that I came to this point because I have Multiple Sclerosis. Or due to? My first psychotherapy session, which I basically spent crying, always pops in my mind. With my psychotherapist not understanding much at that time, the crying came as a result to many suppressed frustrations.  Since than, two years past until my psychotherapist told me: "There is a new training group starting in Transactional Analysis.  Would''t you like to train?"

I think that for me, this is the proof that from suffering, many beautiful things can be created. I learned that life reinvents itelf continuously, and I just have to go with it. To let it happen. Accepting what it offers, what is happening, and don't just wait on the side, to see what happens next in my own life. I think anyone has the ability to reinvent itself. The past is only past, the future... I just let it come. No pressure. The way he wants it, with everything it has for me, health, joy, lessons, not so happy moments.

 

I started psychology university without having in mind a very clear objective, thinking that if this is really what I have to do, I will do it. I will find the time, the money, the strength to do it. Until graduation, I will do my best in everything I do, working, studying, and everything else I enjoy doing.

And most important, to enjoy what I do, what I learn, and life!:)

Love,

Florenta